Is It Your Life (and the People in It) Making You Miserable — or is it Your Own Insecurities?

How Externalisation Steals Your Freedom (and How to Get It Back)

Introduction – Why This Matters

Have you ever noticed how much of your energy goes into managing the outside world? We try to make people like us, keep relationships stable, achieve the “right” career, arrange our homes perfectly, or avoid certain situations — all in the hope that we’ll finally feel OK inside.

This is no accident. From a young age, we’re taught to look outside ourselves for approval, safety, and happiness. This is what I call externalisation — the movement of authority for how we feel from the inside to the outside. It’s silent. It’s gradual. And it becomes so normal we rarely question it.

But there’s a cost: when our sense of peace depends on how people, places, and events behave, we lose the one thing we truly need — inner authority. In this article, we’ll unpack how this pattern works, why it keeps us trapped in cycles of chasing and avoiding, and how to take back the responsibility for our inner world so we can finally experience real freedom.

The Mechanism of Externalisation

At its core, externalisation is outsourcing our emotional state to things we can’t control. Instead of trusting ourselves to handle life, we create rules in our minds about how the world needs to look for us to be at peace.

“I’ll be happy when my partner finally changes.”“I’ll feel safe once I have this amount in my bank account.”“I can only be at peace if this person doesn’t say or do that thing again.”

These rules grow over time and solidify into belief structures — silent agreements we make with ourselves about what we must chase (approval, possessions, success) and what we must avoid (conflict, rejection, uncertainty) to feel okay.

The problem? The outside world never stops changing. And no matter how much you try, you can’t fully control people, events, or outcomes. This leaves you in a constant cycle of effort, trying to arrange life so that your inner world feels stable. It’s exhausting — and it never works for long.

Responsibility: The Silent Core

Here’s the turning point:Responsibility is not about blame. It’s about authority.

Responsibility literally means the ability to respond — the power to decide how you experience a moment. But when we externalise, we give this power away. Instead of owning how we respond, we make others responsible for how we feel.

“You made me angry.”“They ruined my day.”“If they’d just change, I’d be fine.”

Each of these is a subtle way of handing over our authority. And when our peace depends on others behaving the “right” way, we’re no longer free.

Reclaiming responsibility doesn’t mean tolerating bad behaviour or denying pain. It means coming back to the centre — recognising that while you can’t control what others do, you can control your interpretation, your choices, and how you show up in that moment.

Dependency, Independence & the Security Trap

Externalisation leads to dependency. We become dependent on people, places, or routines to keep us feeling safe or happy. We cling to what feels good, and we push away what threatens our fragile sense of peace.

But here’s the paradox:The more we depend on things staying a certain way, the more insecure we feel.

Why? Because deep down, we know we can’t guarantee that people won’t change, that life won’t surprise us, or that what we hold dear won’t slip away.

True freedom doesn’t come from locking everything in place or avoiding anything uncomfortable. It comes from knowing that whatever happens, you can meet it from a stable centre. That’s what real independence looks like — not living without others, but not needing them to be a certain way for you to be at peace.

Buzzwords Under the Microscope

“Narcissist”

The term “narcissist” is everywhere now. It’s used to describe people who are self-absorbed, manipulative, or emotionally unavailable. But here’s what often gets missed:

Labelling someone a “narcissist” doesn’t solve the underlying issue. In many cases, it’s used by those who’ve been hurt to explain their pain — but it also keeps them trapped in blaming someone else for how they feel.

Yes, harmful behaviour exists. But healing comes from reclaiming your authority, not by staying stuck in identifying yourself as a “victim of a narcissist.” Ironically, both the one being called a narcissist and the one using the label are often operating from insecurity and woundedness.

“Boundaries”

Boundaries are another popular term. We’re told to set boundaries so others won’t hurt us or cross lines. But here’s the problem:

If your peace depends on others respecting your boundaries, you’ve still given them power over your inner state.

This doesn’t mean boundaries are useless. They can be helpful in practical terms. But real freedom doesn’t come from building walls — it comes from building inner resilience so that your peace doesn’t live in someone else’s hands.

The Cycle of Chasing & Avoiding

This whole pattern creates an endless loop:

1. Chase what you think will make you feel good (approval, comfort, control).

2. Avoid what you think will hurt you (conflict, rejection, loss).

3. Get temporary relief — until life changes again.

4. Start over.

This is why peace always feels just out of reach. We’re trying to engineer the outside world instead of addressing the real issue: our relationship with our own beliefs and emotions.

Reclaiming Self-Authority & Neutrality

So how do we break the cycle?

1. Spot the belief: When you feel triggered or anxious, ask: “What rule about the world is being threatened here?” (e.g., “People must treat me fairly for me to be at peace.”)
   

2. Own your response: Remember — you can’t always control what happens, but you can control your meaning-making and actions.
   

3. Practice neutrality: This doesn’t mean apathy. It means becoming less reactive, so people and events lose their power to hijack your inner world.
   

4. Rebuild from the inside: Instead of chasing safety in the outside world, start building the safety within — through self-inquiry, grounding practices, and support from those who encourage your self-responsibility (not your dependency).

Conclusion – Returning to the Centre

Externalisation is a deeply conditioned pattern. It convinces us that our peace lives “out there,” in other people, outcomes, or possessions. But the truth is, the centre has always been within you.

When you reclaim responsibility for how you feel, you stop chasing and avoiding, stop labelling and blaming, and start living from a place of quiet authority. That’s where real freedom — and real peace — begins.